the laws of sexual attraction
by The Official Canadian Teabag
Summary: Before class, the chemistry professor receives a particularly steamy phone call. Part of the Talk Dirty to Me collection.


The announcement was loud as hell, ringing through every hallway and every lecture hall. "_Would Dr. Vargas please contact the office? Dr. Vargas, please contact the office." _

Dr. Vargas wiped his hands on his lab coat and moved over to a button near his desk and pressed it.

A bell rung briefly. Then, a voice came from a speaker. "_Hello?"_

"This is Dr. Vargas."

"_Oh, hi. Dr. Vargas, you've got a call. It sounds pretty urgent."_

"Okay. Send it to my desk."

"_No problem."_

Dr. Vargas took his hand off the button. Almost two seconds later, the phone on his desk rang. He moved to his desk and sat down, plucking the phone off the receiver. "Vargas speaking."

"_Why, hello, Dr. Vargas," _the voice on the other end of the line purred.

Dr. Vargas' stomach dropped. "You're kidding me."

"_Surprise! Just thought I'd see how my sweetheart is doing." _Antonio sounded way too bright and way too goddamn cheery this morning.

"I'm getting ready for class. You should be getting ready, too. Don't you have a class in a few minutes?"

"_Yeah, but I wanted to talk to you."_

"Antonio—" Dr. Vargas slipped off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I literally see you every fucking lunch. It couldn't wait?"

"_Nope. Listen, Lovi, you're a man of science. You know I have my ion you."_

"What?" Dr. Vargas squinted at the clock and saw it was nearly ten.

Antonio repeated himself, much slower this time. "_I. Have. My. Ion. You."_

Dr. Vargas felt his face flush. "Oh, God. This again? Not this again."

"_You love it," _Antonio murmured, silky smooth right into his ear. "_I didn't forget what day it is today."_

"Stop—we can't."

"_You want it. You want to fill my valence electron shell, don't you? You want it bad."_

He did want it bad. "We're at school...Toni, no."

"_We've got a few minutes still. I wanted to tell you something…"_

"Yeah?"

"_Yeah. I was just thinking about last night. You had your stirring rod in my beaker—and then I had mine in yours."_

Heat poured off his face and his palms started to sweat. "Uh-huh?" He leaned back in his office chair and spun until his back was towards the door.

"_Yep. I was sulfuric acid and you gave me a lot of sugar, mi amor. No wonder it got so hot."_

A soft groan escaped Dr. Vargas' throat. "Yeah. You were so fucking hot."

"_So hot," _Antonio agreed. "_You always know how to excite me to a higher energy level."_

"You're the photon quanta around here, _caro." _Dr. Vargas' voice grew softer and lower.

He got a quiet laugh in response. "_Oh, I am, am I?"_

"_Sì, _baby. You are," Dr. Vargas crooned. "You're many things."

"_Tell me more."_

"You are a...compound of barium and beryllium. You're like calcium bicarbonate when I get you wet. And…"

He could hear Antonio's grin through the phone. "_Yes?"_

"And...you're more special than relativity."

"_Lovino," _said Antonio breathlessly. "_How is it possible that you can be so sweet and so sexy at the same time?"_

Dr. Vargas smirked. "I'm a chemist. I know how to concentrate your solution with sucrose _and _turn your start codon on."

There was a short pause on the other end of the conversation. Then, Antonio whispered, "_Check your phone. I wanna show you just how sticky you made the sticky ends of my recombinant DNA."_

Heart jumping with excitement, Dr. Vargas fumbled to find his personal phone in his jacket pocket. "Yeah, baby?"

"_Mm-hmm. I sent it to you just now. Even if your name's not Avocado, I still know your number by memory."_

Dr. Vargas paused in his search to chuckle. "Do you fucking mean 'Avogadro'?"

"_Oh, yeah, that's it. Sorry, I couldn't remember."_

"For a music teacher, you were doing so well with the chemistry shit up until 'Avocado'." He finally fished out his phone and opened the text from Antonio. He felt his eyes widen and blood rushed to his face—as well as to his 'recombinant DNA'. "_Mio dio, caro. _Holy fuck."

"_You like that?"_

"Hell yeah." Dr. Vargas licked his lips. "You're hung like the Foucault pendulum."

Antonio made a needy sound. "_Keep going. Talk dirty to me," _he begged.

"Alright," Dr. Vargas said. "When we get home, I want you to help me prove that the Big Bang isn't just a theory."

Antonio whimpered. "_Yes."_

"I wanna hydrolyze you so fuckin' bad. Split you in half."

"_Yes!"_

"After I hydrolyze you, you're gonna make me undergo nuclear fission and split me apart, too."

"_God! Lovi, I can't take this anymore. Show me your alpha helix. I'm going crazy."_

Dr. Vargas complied faster than the speed of light. "Yeah? You want it?" He set his cellphone down and his hand flew to his pants zipper. "You're a little slut."

His boyfriend breathed out a giggle. "_I'm your slut, Lovi. I just wanna make covalent bonds with you all day and all night."_

"I'll give you a covalent bond. I'll give it harder to you than—"

Dr. Vargas' hand was on his dick when a loud knock pierced the hot and heavy air. "Fuck!" he gasped.

A voice came from the gap under the door. "Professor?" Ah, hell. Probably some nosy asswipe from the Faculty of Science that came to spy on him.

"Y—Yeah?"

"Classes have started. Move it, please. Open the door; your class is waiting."

"Yeah, I'm coming."

Quietly, Antonio snorted. "_Not anymore."_

"Fuck you," Dr. Vargas said under his breath. He shoved his alpha helix back in and zipped up his fly. "Almost got me in trouble."

"_Ooh, was I being a bad boy? Maybe you wanna spank me as punishment later?"_

"Yeah, I'll take my course syllabus and beat your ass with it 'til it's purple. Fuck off and go teach a class, you bastard."

Antonio laughed. "_I love you and I miss you. Let's do some biology later tonight."_

"You're incorrigible and you're not polarizing any of my bonds later tonight." Dr. Vargas promptly hung up and quickly stood from his chair. He looked despondently at his cellphone currently loaded with a sweet pic of Antonio's recombinant DNA and wished he could admire it longer. Unfortunately, duty calls.

"Asshole," he grumbled. "Fucking—fucking asshole."

His face was still bright red when he unlocked the door and ushered the college freshmen inside. "Morning, everyone. Sorry for the delay. Let's get started right away."

Once everyone was in and in their seats, he moved back to his desk. "Last week we looked at all sorts of chemical reactions with respect to the Law of Conservation of Mass. Today we'll be going over—"

Slipping on his glasses, Lovino squinted at the syllabus. Rolled his eyes. "Exothermic reactions."

* * *

**A/N: **Hey you sexy bitches. This is probably my dirtiest one yet. And the most ridiculous one, too, but that's a given. Thanks Chamiri for giving me the phone call idea!

I've really been doing this for five years. I will never run out of new material. You cannot turn off the comedic genius faucet. I am the pick-up line goddess. Bow before me, heathens.

Happy May 24th. Except I'm late this year. So happy May 25th. (Sorry, Australians.)

Now get outta here. See you next year. B)


End file.
